It's 2002, the Bluetones are still holed up in the studio in Cornwall…..the inevitable stresses and strains of constant recording and being together 24 hours a day have taken their toll. Guitars were downed and punches thrown while their management and fans looked on in despair….. there is only one way to solve the problems and bring back the band we know and love, send them to 'The Jerry Springer-Spaniel Show'!!!!

(Cue music and lot of "Jerry" chanting! Mark is sitting alone on the stage looking dejected)

Jerry: Thank you! Welcome to the show. Today we are talking to The Bluetones, a band in crisis. This is Mark - he claims he was thrown out of the band because of his musical tastes. Hi there Mark, why don't you tell us about it……

Mark: Hi Jerry! I'm a big fan of yours you know, I loved the show when….

Jerry: Yes, well thank you, but the show today is about you and your ex-bandmates. So tell us why they sacked you…..

Mark: Well, we were in the studio, just messing around cause nobody had any good ideas, so I suggested we do a Sleeper cover. (gasps from audience and laughter)

Mark: No, it was a good one! 'Inbetweener', that's a fantastic song!

Jerry: But the rest of the band didn't seem to think so did they?

Mark: They just don't understand how much time went into practising those little hiccup sounds she makes when she sings….would you like to hear?

Jerry: No thanks Mark we really don't have time for that right now. We have your brother and band mate Scott here, and he has told us that it's much more than your Louise Wener impressions that are driving the band apart…..please welcome Scott!

(Scott comes charging on to the stage screaming at Mark)

Scott: You f_ing liar!!!

(They lunge at each other, biting and pulling hair until the bouncers, Tiny from Ultrasound and Henry Rollins pull them apart)

Jerry: Scott, talk to us, why are you upset at your brother?

Scott: He's a liar and has told everyone something that makes me look stupid……

Mark: He's a Menswear fan!!!!

(Scott dives for Mark)

Scott: You take that back!!!

Jerry: Guys, please!!!

(The bouncers separate them and put their chairs at opposite sides of the stage)

Scott: You planted it there, you know you did!

Jerry: Mark do you want to tell us what is going on here?

Mark: Well I was sitting in Scott's room at the studio and he went out to get a cup of tea. So I was having abit of a nosy round, as you do, and I opened his cupboard and found…….a shrine to Menswear!

Scott: Liar!! You're a liar, Mark!

Mark: He had several copies of the album, signed photos, posters, singles and he had scrawled poignant lyrics from the songs, like "breathe deeper, daydreamer" over the wall in silver crayon!

Scott: You did it! It was you!

Jerry: Well we have arranged a handwriting comparison and we'll see the results at the end of the show, and discover who the Menswear fan among you is.

Mark: It's him…..

Scott: Is not……

Mark: Is too……

Scott: Isn't ….

Mark: Is….

Scott: Isn't ….

Mark: Is…

Jerry: OKAY! We're here today to try and get to the bottom of the problems between the Bluetones. The third member of the band is Eds Chesters and he has a shocking secret to reveal…..please welcome Eds!

(Eds enters the set and sits down)

Jerry: So Eds, what do you want to say to these guys?

Eds: Well firstly, I'm sick of you all making fun of me. Just because I'm a drummer it doesn't mean you can treat me like shit and you hurt my feelings when you tease me.

Mark: What are you talking about?

(Eds removes a little black book from his shirt pocket, flicks through it and stops at a page)

Eds: Wednesday September 8th, 4:08pm - you made a joke about my hair. Same day, 5:01pm, a drummer joke.

(flicks to different page)

Eds: Monday October 21st, 2:41am, you said my shoes were 'tragic'.

Scott: They were!

(Eds busts into tears)

Eds: I can't take it anymore!

Jerry: So Scott and Mark, you've obviously upset him…..how do you feel about that?

Mark: I'm sorry Eds, we didn't realise what an effect it was all having on you….

Scott: Yeah, sorry mate.

Eds: Well there are a lot of things you didn't realise about me. Remember when I ran away to Gretna Green to get married last summer?

(Mark and Scott nod)

Eds: And you know the way I keep my wife locked away in the kitchen when you come over? Well I've brought her here today…..

Jerry: Okay, come in Eds' wife!

(Adam comes in wearing a black leather miniskirt, red bra, black suspenders and white stilettos. Mark and Scott look horrified as Eds and Adam kiss at the front of the stage)

Mark: Adam what the hell are you doing?!

Adam: Well Mark I've been keeping it a secret all these years, but I am infact really a woman.

Scott: You're what?!

Mark: What do you mean?

Adam: I mean I was born a woman, my real name is Adele Devlin.

Scott: You never told us that!

Adam: You never asked…..you just assumed that because I looked like a man and had to shave every day that I was male.

Mark: I always wondered why you left the toilet seat down…..

Jerry: And you two are married?

(Eds takes Adam's hand)

Eds: Yes, and we are very happy.

Adam: Well actually Eds I have something to tell you as well.

Eds: You can tell me anything darling!

Adam: Well you remember how keen I was for Richard to join the band when we needed a keyboard player?

(Eds looks suspiciously at Adam)

Eds: Yes…..

Adam: Well we've been having an affair for two years and I'm going to have his child!!

Eds: You what?! You bitch how could you? Right, that's going in my Book of Hurtful Things…..

(Eds takes book out of pocket)

Eds: Anyone got a pen?

Adam: You and that f_ing book! That's all your interested in, no wonder I had to go elsewhere!!

Jerry: Let's bring out Richard!

(Richard joins the rest of the band onstage. Mark and Scott look on in disbelief as Richard goes to kiss Adam, but Eds jumps in the way and all three fight, pulling hair and slapping each other. Tiny and Henry pull them apart and get everyone sitting again)

Jerry: So if you have just joined us - this is Mark. He was sacked from the band for liking Sleeper, he was then snooping in his little brother's room and allegedly found a shrine to Menswear. Your drummer Eds joined us and he was upset at your constant teasing - he then revealed that he is married to your guitarist Adam, who in turn revealed he was a she, and Adam has been having an affair with your keyboardist Richard, and is now pregnant with his child.

Scott: He planted those photos - I don't like Menswear.

Mark: Yes you do! Face it Scott, you're a freak!

Scott: Yeah well you have six toes!

Jerry: Mark is this true?

(Mark looks guilty)

Mark: No….

Scott: It is!! It is!! I remember when our mum used to make us have a bath together when we were kids and he'd shove that freaky toe up the tap when the water was running so it'd all spray over me…..you know Mark I've never forgiven you for that, do you know how humiliated you made me feel? Now I'm going to show you, you freak, you don't f_k with Scott Morriss!

(Scott tries to pull Mark's shoe off and Mark kicks him in the head)

Jerry: Okay guys, stop fighting a moment because I have the results of the handwriting test back. The Menswear lyrics on the wall wear written by…..Scott Morriss!

Mark: Yes!

Scott: No!

(Adam stands up and goes over to Scott)

Adam: How could you?! I mean, Menswear?!

Scott: So?! Look at you, you look like the cover of 'Sleazy Bed Track'!!

Adam: You bastard!

(Adam throws his shoes at Scott, Mark hits Scott, Scott hits Adam, Richard hits Mark, Eds hits Richard, and a fight ensues between the whole band. It's too much for Tiny and Henry and they have to call in the reinforcements. The members of Jack come in and threaten to play if everyone doesn't calm down and immediately there is silence, except for Mark who carries on making a noise because he is possibly the only Jack fan, ever.)

Jerry: So is there any hope for the Bluetones? Will the band ever play together again?

All: NO!

Adam: I'm giving up the guitar…..I might break a nail.

Mark: How could we ever go back to being the way we were after today……

Scott: You know what I suggest? Me, you, Louise Wener and Johnny from Menswear could form a supergroup….we could call it 'Sleepwear'?

Mark: Can I sing 'Inbetweener'?

Scott: Only if we do 'Being Brave' straight after…..

Mark: Great! Let's go….

(Mark and Scott leave the stage together)

Jerry: So Eds and Adele, is your marriage over?

Richard: Yeah it is…I'm going home with Adele.

Eds: No you aren't…..

Richard: Face it, you're a drummer, she doesn't want you.

Eds: Right that's it.

(Eds takes out his book)

Eds: It's Monday the 10th….

(Richard grabs the book and waves it above his head so Eds can't get it. Eds jumps around frantically trying to reach it. Richard stands on a chair and opens the book and begins to read from a page)

Richard: "Adele has gone for another night out so it's just me and the TV as usual. I don't mind though, Jerry Springer-Spaniel is on tonight. He's so sexy in that canine way of his…."

(Jerry looks shocked, Eds gives up jumping around and sits down looking ashamed)

Jerry: Why Eds, I had no idea you felt this way…..

Eds: It's those floppy ears….that glossy coat…..I can't resist…..but I know you could never love me, because well, I'm not a dog.

Jerry: It doesn't matter Eds, all love is beautiful no matter what colour, gender or species you are. Let's be together.

Eds: You mean it? Really?

Jerry: Yes!

Eds: Oh Jerry!

Jerry: Oh Eds!

(Eds and Jerry run towards each other and embrace. Adam and Richard leave the stage together and the credits roll)

And so the Bluetones all found the people of their dreams, their fans discovered 'Sleepwear' and everyone lived happy ever after.

(Because there's always one - the above is a product of Belfast girl's twisted mind and is all totally untrue. Except Jack are crap, and of course Mark does have 6 toes)